Gay students at Christian school write on experiences


Lesbian, gay and bisexual students at Gordon College, a non-denominational Christian school in Wenham, Massachusetts – a school the Equality Ride visited this spring – have written about their experiences living a closeted life at the school in a new magazine put together by students (PDF).

In If I told you eleven LGB students have written about what it is like to live as lesbian, gay or bisexual in a closeted environment while at a Christian school. They speak of religious struggles, pains of having friends reject them, the fear of rejection and struggles with parents, romance and the everyday happenings of life.

In particular, one story stuck out in my mind and I think it shows a lot of what kind of problems occur when a person isn’t free to be honest with family or friends. In this story, a young man speaks of rape and being assaulted and not telling anyone about the instances because of his fear of what may happen to him:

A fellow student calls me a girl.

Students smirk and whisper as I walk by.

I turn red as the guys on my floor call someone a “f***ing queer.”

Someone compares my love to a cat… a cat.

I sink lower in my seat as a professor argues that the Bible is unequivocal on the issue of homosexuality.

Professors blame the disintegration of the Anglican Church on me.
so, i tell my parents i’m gay.

The first thing they ask me is if I’m dying of AIDS.

“No.”
The next thing they ask me is if I hate God and Christianity.

“Don’t worry, I still love God and am a Christian.”

“Oh. Please don’t tell Grandpa, he votes against homo rights. Or Grand¬ma, she’s too sweet. Or Uncle John. Or Aunt Mary. Or the kids, they are too young. Actually, please don’t tell any¬one; it would embarrass us. And what about that nice girl friend of yours back at school; have you tried dating her?”

Right. Great idea: “Excuse me, al¬low me to use you as a cure for my ho¬mosexuality. It’s my parents’ idea and God’s plan.”

so, I meet a guy.

No one has ever taught me how to date a guy; they don’t write Christian self-help books about that to stock in the Gordon College Bookstore.

He attempts to rape me.

I don’t report it for fear of what the administration, my friends, or my fam¬ily would say.

I am attacked by anti-gay assailants but don’t tell my friends out of shame. They wouldn’t think I was a man. They would say it was my own fault.

Or, perhaps worst of all, they would pity me. They would say I need a cure, a Christian solution, or extensive coun¬seling.

I cry myself to sleep wish¬ing I were straight; wishing I were accepted by my friends, my family, my school, my faith.

Trust me, this is not a choice. This is who I am.

And everyone has taught me to hate me.

but i won’t hate myself. God doesn’t.

God knows that I am not immoral, that I am not out to ruin the Church or the Christian faith, or American soci¬ety, or this college.

God knows that I am just looking for the same thing everyone else is: a little love in a cold world.

I won’t find that love in my family, my friends, my school, my church, or some random guy.

That love comes from God and is the only thing I have left to hold on to. Don’t try to take it away from me. You can take away my self-esteem and my dignity; you can kick me out of church and deny me rights; you can physically beat me or call me names; you can laugh at me and you can pity me; but you can never, never take away my God.

Or I will no longer be human.

Check out the entire magazine and eleven writings here at ifitoldyou.org

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